Sexual Abuse: Local Facts & Urban Myths

Sexual Abuse: Local Facts

Of all the rape and sexual assault incidents in New Zealand every year, 90% are committed by someone known to the victim.

Between January 2016 - January 2017, 5865 people were the victim of rape or sexual assault in New Zealand. Most of the victims were women aged 15-19.

Of the 5865 assaults, 952 of the offenders were known to the victim, and 252 were strangers.
A further 4446 of the offenders were not specified.

77.9% (4567) of the victims were female. 10.9% (639) of the victims were male. It is estimated only 9% of incidents of rape and sexual abuse are ever reported to NZ Police.

Research shows that: 1 in 5 women (20%) will experience sexual assault as an adult. Close to 1 in 7 (15%) of males will experience sexual abuse at some time in their lives.

In New Zealand, up to 1 in 3 girls will be subject to an unwanted sexual experience by the age of 16. The majority of these would be considered serious, with over 70% involving genital contact.

Sexual Abuse: Urban Myths

Myth # 1: Sexual assault is about people needing sex. They just get too drunk, carried away or lose control.

Sexual assault is a form of sexualised violence. It’s an act of violence expressed in a sexual way. Like many other crimes, it’s about power and control; the offender forcing their desires over the survivor’s ability to give consent.

Myth # 2: If the survivor didn’t want it to happen, they would have said something or fought back. It must have been consensual as there are no bruises or other kinds of physical evidence of assault.

Many people have heard of the 'fight or flight' response as being the typical response to danger, but it is actually fight, flight, or FREEZE. The freeze response is a documented medical condition that happens in extremely fearful situations; it is uncontrollable and not something a person decides to do.

Research shows that around 50% of survivors experience the freeze response during an assault. This does not mean the sex is consensual.

Myth # 3: Rape rarely happens between people who know each other.

This is completely untrue. In New Zealand, 90% of sexual assaults are inflicted by a perpetrator personally known to the survivor.

Myth # 4: Women invite rape by dressing provocatively and flirting with other guys.

Victim-blaming is a very common lie. It's also a very dangerous and misleading practice. It is NEVER the survivor's fault that they were raped or sexually assaulted. The blame always lies 100% with the abuser.

It is common for people to blame the survivor for the attack if at the time the survivor:

- was drunk
- had taken drugs
- flirted
- dressed in sexy clothes
- was perceived as being promiscuous or “slutty”
- chose to walk alone

Even if the survivor did any of the things above, they were not 'asking for it' and they were not to blame. It is the perpetrator who is actively making the decision to sexually abuse the survivor when they have not given consent or were incapable of giving consent. It is entirely the perpetrator who is at fault.

Myth # 5: Sexual abuse only happens to particular women and girls.

Anyone can be a victim of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is a type of violence imposed by one person who wants to dominate another person. It's about power - not lust.

Because of this, many survivors are not the 'type' of people some would typically expect to be abused. This includes people like children, the disabled and the elderly.

Males and females of any age, physical appearance, sexual orientation, social class, race and marital status, can be - and are - survivors of sexual abuse.

Myth #6: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

This is staggeringly UNTRUE. In New Zealand, it's estimated that close to 1 in 7 males (boys and men) will have experienced sexual abuse by the time they reach adulthood.

There continues to be a significant resistance in New Zealand to recognising men as survivors of sexual abuse. The stereotypes of 'men can’t be forced to have sex' and 'men want sex all the time' abound and are abjectly untrue.

Myth # 7: It's not rape or sexual assault if the survivor willingly went to the perpetrator's house or bedroom.

It is never too late to withhold your consent to any sexual act. You always have the right to control what happens to your own body, at any time.

Going to someone’s house or bedroom does not take away your right to say 'no' to any sexual activity you do not want to be involved in.

Myth # 8: It's not rape if you are married, dating or in a relationship.

Although perpetrators often use this as an excuse to say the abusive act was actually consensual, this is completely untrue.

Regardless of your relationship status, you are the only person who has the right to say what happens to your body. 'No' means no. This is also explicitly recognised under New Zealand law.

Myth # 9: If someone was sexually abused, they wouldn't talk to the person who abused them the next day.

There are many reasons why a survivor might maintain a relationship with someone who has abused them. The survivor might feel insecure or threatened if they tried to terminate the relationship. These are complex emotions, and they run deep.

The survivor might be very disorientated and struggling to process the abusive event.

Sexual abuse is extremely traumatic and a common way for a survivor to deal with the event is to simply try to forget it, or pretend it never happened.

Survivors often feel the need socially to keep up an appearance of 'everything's just fine'. We all respond to traumatic events in our own distinct ways. How a survivor reacts to an event of sexual abuse should in no way be used by others, or themselves, to interpret whether the abusive event actually took place or not.

Myth # 10: There is no way this person would sexually abuse anyone. They are too nice/respected/religious/friendly/likeable/married/family-orientated/good-looking, etc.

People with all the above traits commit violence too, and that's what every act of sexual abuse is. Sexual abusers come from every walk of life.

There is no A-Type personality or particular type of person who commits sexual abuse. Outwardly to friends, family and colleagues, a sexual abuser may seem to be the very last person who would commit such an act.

Myth # 11: They had sex with that person before, so it can't be sexual abuse.

Yes it can. Consent cannot be presumed because of a survivor's previous or existing sexual relationship with their abuser.

Even in the context of a relationship, mutual consent must be apparent every time sexual activity is engaged in. The person initiating sexual activity is responsible for obtaining the consent of the other person for that activity. Either person - at any time - can withdraw consent.

Consent is a clear and unambiguous agreement, expressed outwardly through mutually understandable words or actions, to engage in a particular activity. It can only be given voluntarily and never taken by force or coercion.

Once consent to sexual activity is withdrawn, that must be the final word on the matter. Any further actions can constitute sexual abuse.

Myth # 12: When someone says 'No' to sex, you should just keep wearing them down until they say 'Yes'.

If a person has to pressure someone into having sex, it means the sex is non-consensual. A person can withdraw their consent to sex AT ANY TIME.

If someone says 'no' or seems unsure, the only correct response is to back-off. Completely.

Myth # 13: It's not sexual abuse if the person didn't say 'No'.

Okay, so this is a little similar to the answer we gave in busting Myth # 2, except to say this.

Instead of thinking 'no means no', we really need to think in terms of 'only yes means yes'. Anything less than 'yes' is not consent. For the person wanting to engage in sexual activity, unless the person they are with says 'yes' or openly encourages them to continue, the sexually activity must stop.

Actually saying 'no' is the clearest way to inform the other person that you don't want to go further. There are many other things you can say though:

- 'Stop'
- 'This isn't what I want'
- 'I'm not ready for this'
- 'I'm not sure about this'
- 'This is making me uncomfortable'
- 'Can we slow this down?'

If you say these things and the other person continues to persist in trying to engage you in sexual activity, then that person is committing sexual abuse.

Myth # 14: Most sexual assaults take place in dark, isolated public places.

Not true. sexual assault is not usually committed by opportunistic strangers. Remember, 90% of sexual abuse cases in New Zealand are committed by someone the survivor is acquainted with.

Most cases of sexual abuse are committed in either the survivor's or the perpetrator's own home.

Myth # 15: When a woman says 'No', she's actually open to 'Yes'.

This is very similar to what we busted in Myth # 12.

In what world does 'No' mean 'Yes'?

When the person you are with says 'no', they aren't doing it to preserve their modesty. That person you're with? They DO NOT have a rape fantasy and they don't want to be dominated. If for any reason, that is your way of thinking, then your way of thinking is very wrong. The answer is NOT open to interpretation. 'No' does not mean 'yes'. Ever.

Myth # 16: People who have been sexually assaulted will be hysterical and all over the place.

As we said when we busted Myths # 2 & 13, we are all very complex creatures. We all respond to trauma in our own unique ways. No matter what your preconceptions are of how someone who has been sexually abused should react, leave them at the door. They aren't worth anything.

Myth # 17: Getting help is expensive for survivors of sexual abuse.

Not true. Here at HELP, our services are either free or very low cost.

Either way, for any type of paid-for sexual abuse counselling, you may be eligible for ACC financial assistance. If you are a Community Services Card holder, on any kind of WINZ benefit, or receive a low income, you may be eligible for WINZ assistance for paid counselling sessions too.

Contact us, we can talk it through with you.